her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
