TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
