cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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