well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
