Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
