In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
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dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
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I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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