I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
