I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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