I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
