I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
