I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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