That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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