You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
