Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
