i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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