I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
