nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
