I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
