u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize