so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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