i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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