hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
