I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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