i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
