I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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