I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
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i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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