Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm bleeding and have questions
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
