I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
