I got chris browned last night
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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