why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
