checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
