Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
