Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
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I have feelings that need drinking.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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