I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
