i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???