If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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