I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
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Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.