life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.