he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
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The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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