the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
