dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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