I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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