dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home