Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.