he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?