dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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