He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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