I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
