I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
