based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
