On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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