someone threw a dead crab at me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
