I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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