i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This house was built for laser tag.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.