When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Boobs speak an international language.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer