I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
