It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?