Texts From Last Night

• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)

  (512): View more from Texas

  Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.

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  (504): if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever) (512): Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them. http://tfl.nu/9n19
  Replies (3) Good night (1138) Bad night (541)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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  (503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. http://tfl.nu/4dkg
  Replies (33) Good night (3632) Bad night (1003)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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  (513): Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit. (478): I'll get my vaginal cartography poster. http://tfl.nu/m8ec
  Replies (28) Good night (5907) Bad night (1280)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
  Replies (18) Good night (10460) Bad night (2069)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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  (773): I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days http://tfl.nu/nte6
  Replies (9) Good night (2719) Bad night (1015)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.

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  (208): Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success. http://tfl.nu/sluv
  Replies (1) Good night (1204) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula

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  (702): Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems (702): I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula http://tfl.nu/2l23
  Replies (9) Good night (1319) Bad night (929)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You would never do this sober.

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  (207): Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good. (617): You would never do this sober. http://tfl.nu/h01i
  Replies (9) Good night (1368) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?

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  (574): should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know? http://tfl.nu/sb56
  Replies (10) Good night (566) Bad night (1223)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.

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  (480): her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying. http://tfl.nu/a94q
  Replies (7) Good night (656) Bad night (1086)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night

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  (512): Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night http://tfl.nu/ggi7
  Replies (1) Good night (345) Bad night (723)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.

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  (734): I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game. http://tfl.nu/jsqs
  Replies (7) Good night (358) Bad night (668)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday

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  (402): Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday http://tfl.nu/hnnk
  Replies (0) Good night (353) Bad night (445)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.

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  (513): The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex. http://tfl.nu/e8ga
  Replies (2) Good night (897) Bad night (292)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's amazing

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs

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  (717): It's amazing (610): I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs http://tfl.nu/3qhh
  Replies (4) Good night (603) Bad night (287)

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