Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
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It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.