Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This baby is an asshole
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
