dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
