i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
