I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
