Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
