I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
and she was petting her beer can
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
