You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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