Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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