my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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