...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
