There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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