I just pynch a tree in the face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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