how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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