i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
