Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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