I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
